People will talk, our friends tell us. They whisper over coffee tables and book cases. They point and gossip and paint us as sex obsessed teenagers. They imagine the reasons that things won't work out--you're too connected to your job, I'm too disconnected from my feelings. Anything to win an audience I suppose. Words change, you say, words change but feelings don't.
At night Laura Marling sang us to sleep, as our legs tangled and twisted beneath the sheets. I grabbed your arms and wrapped them around me. Protect me, I thought. Protect me from my fears, my doubts, myself.
maybe it was because we were both lonely. maybe he missed her and that missing, that part of your hear that aches for the one person you want to see over every other soul in the world, maybe that was too much for him. maybe he needed to find someone who knew that ache, who knew what it was like to be separated from someone you love.
or maybe i'm making up excuses, i don't know. all i can say is that the feeling of loneliness is something i'm used to, something that i can combat with time. this feeling of guilt is suffocating. the feeling that i have a sign on my face that shines bright enough for everyone to see what kind of person i've turned into--that is unbearable.
the feeling that every time i'm with him in front of people i feel like i have to watch what i say because i don't want to give any hint to what happened. the fact that i feel like the friendship we had now has disintegrated into some uncomfortable acquaintance makes me sick. sick with anger, sick with guilt, sick with shame.
the worst part about it is that everyone, even myself, all thought that this would never happen. who, him? he's a good kid. you've got nothing to worry about with him. i feel like such a hypocrite. i feel like i've been tricked. was he ever really that nice? and if he is, what does that say about everyone else? how do you go on trusting people when the ones you believe to be honest and good are as full of shit as you?
sometimes i feel like im standing still while everything else is passing me by
sometimes i crave human contact, even if its just a brush on the shoulder
sometimes i want more than i can handle, more than i know what to do with
and sometimes i have to make it all stop.
so when i say "i love you" what i mean is a hundred million things that far surpass anything that those three words could ever define. when i say "i love you" what i mean is that these feelings won't fade, they won't change, and they won't expire. when i say "i love you" what i mean is forever.
how happy is the blamless vestal's lot the world forgetting, by the world forgot eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each pray'r accepted, each wish resign'd -alexander pope. it seems no matter what i do, people tend to forget about me. i mean, not like forget my face or forget my name but forget me. i'm pushed aside a lot, and maybe thats because i don't stand up enough and say something or maybe its because people consider me a laid back kind of girl. but when im sitting in my car, driving around town wasting gas, staring at my phone waiting for the little light to blink, i have to stop myself and remember that i don't need to deal with any of this. why should i inconvenience myself because of someone else's carelessness? i talk a big game now, but chances are nothings going to change. how do you make someone remember to make plans with your, or hang out with you, or just take you into consideration? you can't. you have to hope that they have enough sense to treat you with a little dignity. otherwise, you'll be driving past the same memorial, listening to an old cd that you're too lazy to change out, grabbing at your phone with every flicker of light that catches your eye. in other words, you'll be experiencing my friday night.
i wanted to feel your chest swell with pride
when those words you heard
sunk into your heart
1. you (as in me) are great. maybe not fantastic, or amazing or incredible, but you're great. and hey, everyones gotta start with something.
2. let things go.
if you're not loving life, you're doing something wrong because it sure as hell beats the alternative.
alright, im surprised i managed that much but i did end up having to spell check this a couple of times lol.
gooooooodnight dear livejournal, goodnight.
i mean, without you..what is there?
its hard to believe that i'm not wasting everything that's important.