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11 May 2010 @ 02:16 pm
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01 April 2010 @ 05:48 pm
We tip toed through emptied hallways. We held our breaths against locked doors. We gave each other code names. Mine was "night hawk", yours was "chubby bunny". You hated that, but you never did change it. Maybe because it made me laugh. I slept in your bed until noon, even with the sunlight in our eyes. It bullied and pressured us to act like the responsible young adults we were. We laughed at its attempts and shut the shades. Remember that afternoon, waiting in line at the ATM? You reached for my hand. Your palm was rough and dry against my skin. I loved that.

People will talk, our friends tell us. They whisper over coffee tables and book cases. They point and gossip and paint us as sex obsessed teenagers. They imagine the reasons that things won't work out--you're too connected to your job, I'm too disconnected from my feelings. Anything to win an audience I suppose. Words change, you say, words change but feelings don't.

At night Laura Marling sang us to sleep, as our legs tangled and twisted beneath the sheets. I grabbed your arms and wrapped them around me. Protect me, I thought. Protect me from my fears, my doubts, myself. 
27 February 2010 @ 06:43 pm

maybe it was because we were both lonely. maybe he missed her and that missing, that part of your hear that aches for the one person you want to see over every other soul in the world, maybe that was too much for him. maybe he needed to find someone who knew that ache, who knew what it was like to be separated from someone you love.

or maybe i'm making up excuses, i don't know. all i can say is that the feeling of loneliness is something i'm used to, something that i can combat with time. this feeling of guilt is suffocating. the feeling that i have a sign on my face that shines bright enough for everyone to see what kind of person i've turned into--that is unbearable. 

the feeling that every time i'm with him in front of people i feel like i have to watch what i say because i don't want to give any hint to what happened. the fact that i feel like the friendship we had now has disintegrated into some uncomfortable acquaintance makes me sick. sick with anger, sick with guilt, sick with shame.

the worst part about it is that everyone, even myself, all thought that this would never happen. who, him? he's a good kid. you've got nothing to worry about with him. i feel like such a hypocrite. i feel like i've been tricked. was he ever really that nice? and if he is, what does that say about everyone else? how do you go on trusting people when the ones you believe to be honest and good are as full of shit as you? 

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: Carla Bruni-Quelqu'un M'a Dit
16 January 2010 @ 09:44 pm
sometimes i just need to take a step back.
sometimes i feel like im standing still while everything else is passing me by
sometimes i crave human contact, even if its just a brush on the shoulder
sometimes i want more than i can handle, more than i know what to do with

and sometimes i have to make it all stop.
03 January 2010 @ 11:23 pm
to say "i love you" can't nearly begin to explain how i feel. three words? i'm supposed to summarize the multitude of emotions swelling up inside of me in three words? No, three words cant and will not explain how i feel. when i say "i love you" what i mean is that every time i see you, my heart swells in my chest and the beating grows and grows until it feels like its going to burst open and expose everything that i am. when i say "i love you" what i mean is that i don't just think about you, but i actually worry about you, that i care about you, about how your day was or what obstacles you've faced or if your father ever really accepted you. these things are important to me because they make up everything that you are, and everything that you are completes me. when i say "i love you" what i mean is that no matter what happens, no matter who i meet or what i see, where i go or what i learn, i carry you with me. i carry the idea that i belong; i belong to you. when i say "i love you" what i mean is that every day when i come home and open my front door, i want you to be there to greet me, and not the cold distant face of silence. i wouldn't care for expensive gifts or furniture specially made in some warehouse--when i say " i love you" what i mean is that even living in poverty would be alright, as long as you were with me.

so when i say "i love you" what i mean is a hundred million things that far surpass anything that those three words could ever define. when i say "i love you" what i mean is that these feelings won't fade, they won't change, and they won't expire. when i say "i love you" what i mean is forever.
Current Mood: listlesslistless

how happy is the blamless vestal's lot the world forgetting, by the world forgot eternal sunshine of the spotless mind each pray'r accepted, each wish resign'd -alexander pope. it seems no matter what i do, people tend to forget about me. i mean, not like forget my face or forget my name but forget me. i'm pushed aside a lot, and maybe thats because i don't stand up enough and say something or maybe its because people consider me a laid back kind of girl. but when im sitting in my car, driving around town wasting gas, staring at my phone waiting for the little light to blink, i have to stop myself and remember that i don't need to deal with any of this. why should i inconvenience myself because of someone else's carelessness? i talk a big game now, but chances are nothings going to change. how do you make someone remember to make plans with your, or hang out with you, or just take you into consideration? you can't. you have to hope that they have enough sense to treat you with a little dignity. otherwise, you'll be driving past the same memorial, listening to an old cd that you're too lazy to change out, grabbing at your phone with every flicker of light that catches your eye. in other words, you'll be experiencing my friday night.

06 October 2009 @ 10:58 pm
i wanted you
i wanted to feel your chest swell with pride
when those words you heard
sunk into your heart
08 July 2009 @ 02:25 am
this is gonna be a pretty short post, mostly because im midly drunk and i dont feel like typing a whole long thing, but i have three resolutions that i have come to tonight

1. you (as in me) are great. maybe not fantastic, or amazing or incredible, but you're great. and hey, everyones gotta start with something.

2. let things go.

and 3.

if you're not loving life, you're doing something wrong because it sure as hell beats the alternative.

alright, im surprised i managed that much but i did end up having to spell check this a couple of times lol.

gooooooodnight dear livejournal, goodnight.
Current Mood: ditzyditzy
24 June 2009 @ 10:26 pm
you need to be okay with yourself. with being by yourself and not feeling like you're empty. being satisfied with not only the person that you are, but the person that you turned out to be. only then, when you realize the potential, the greatness that your life could be can you be able to see yourself with someone else.

i mean, without you..what is there?
11 June 2009 @ 01:26 pm
sometimes i feel like i'm stuck inside a dream. like everything thats going on around me isn't real, and that soon enough i'll wake up and i'll be this totally different person with all new problems and situations to deal with. sometimes it scares me that so much that i can't wake up, that what i'm seeing, feeling, experiencing..that all that is real, that it's happening to me right now. and that every moment i sit here and think about it is a moment that i can't get back. yesterday will never be today and neither will tomorrow.

its hard to believe that i'm not wasting everything that's important.