how am i supposed to keep pretending i never want to see you again?
i wrote him a letter yesterday. i didn't really have any reason to write, except that i was bored and i just felt like doing something. and while i was writing i was thinking about what i was going to say at the end of the letter, because i personally feel thats when you drop the bomb on someone. so i'm thinking, maybe i'll tell him i miss him, or sometimes i still smile when i think about jokes he made months ago, or how whenever i'm alone in my room i close my eyes and wish he'd knock on my door. when i got to the bottom of the letter though, all those ideas kind of just washed over me as i thought to myself--what's the point?

why would/should i tell him that stuff? what do i think is going to happen if i tell him that, and in a letter no less. if anything, if im lucky, he might actually open it, and if he does, he doesn't want me to go on and on about all this mushy gushy stuff. no, if anything he just wants to read a nice piece of mail, maybe find out how i'm doing, see if anything interesting has happened so far, but that's it.

and as i was sealing up the letter i realized that this must be what growing up feels like. it feeling of holding back your [childish] impulses, realizing that maybe the best thing to do is just to let go, let go and move on and if something important should happen, if somewhere somehow he thinks that he feels the same way i do than he'll let me know, and we can move on from there. by laying down all this heavy stuff at the bottom of the flower stationery i got at k-mart i'd just be pushing him away, making my feelings too awkward. no, this time i'm holding back, i'm not going to willingly throw my heart out there for him to slap back in my face.

monday i'll mail it and honestly, i'm kind of excited. excited that no matter what happens, i've got myself covered for once.