you belong among the wildflowers

starbright182 @ 2009-10-06T22:58:00

2009-10-07T03:51:58Z

i wanted you
i wanted to feel your chest swell with pride
when those words you heard
sunk into your heart

starbright182 @ 2009-07-08T02:25:00

2009-07-08T06:29:05Z

this is gonna be a pretty short post, mostly because im midly drunk and i dont feel like typing a whole long thing, but i have three resolutions that i have come to tonight

1. you (as in me) are great. maybe not fantastic, or amazing or incredible, but you're great. and hey, everyones gotta start with something.

2. let things go.

and 3.

if you're not loving life, you're doing something wrong because it sure as hell beats the alternative.

alright, im surprised i managed that much but i did end up having to spell check this a couple of times lol.

gooooooodnight dear livejournal, goodnight.

starbright182 @ 2009-06-24T22:26:00

2009-06-25T02:28:08Z

you need to be okay with yourself. with being by yourself and not feeling like you're empty. being satisfied with not only the person that you are, but the person that you turned out to be. only then, when you realize the potential, the greatness that your life could be can you be able to see yourself with someone else.

i mean, without you..what is there?

starbright182 @ 2009-06-11T13:26:00

2009-06-11T17:30:29Z

sometimes i feel like i'm stuck inside a dream. like everything thats going on around me isn't real, and that soon enough i'll wake up and i'll be this totally different person with all new problems and situations to deal with. sometimes it scares me that so much that i can't wake up, that what i'm seeing, feeling, experiencing..that all that is real, that it's happening to me right now. and that every moment i sit here and think about it is a moment that i can't get back. yesterday will never be today and neither will tomorrow.

its hard to believe that i'm not wasting everything that's important.

and these photos are empty, their memory faded

2009-04-21T14:58:49Z

Doesn't it seem a little unfair that we as humans have this massive capacity to remember, but more than not, we just want to forget? That whoever (or whatever) created us, bestowed us with the ability to recall hundreds of memories within seconds of looking at a old picture, or hearing a familiar joke, or even meeting up with a friend from our childhood.

Sometimes I think that the strength of our memory is an april fool's joke. I mean, we're able to remember so much of our lives, so many little insignificant things, but in the end we're forced to realize that most of those moments were never going to happen again. No matter how hard we try to recreate the past, to bring the same people back together again, to ask the same questions we did before, to live like we were living back then, our memory's will not bend to our will.

Instead, they are a constant reminder that everything changes, that no matter what you to, time is going to pass you by and in the end you really only have two choices: to sit alone, flipping through old photos, remembering what life was like, or rip up your memories, and realize that what will happen today might not happen tomorrow, but it's still your life and memories or not, you have to live it the best way you can.

starbright182 @ 2009-03-02T22:04:00

2009-03-03T06:32:01Z

I never used to be afraid to fly. Even as a little kid, I loved getting the window seat on the airplane, anxiously waiting for the best part: take off. I loved the roaring of the engines as they warmed up, the intense speed as we blasted off into the clouds. I squished my face against the double paned window and gazed in amazement at the way the ground would suddenly look so different. It transformed into this surreal world, where everything looked like a part of a very elaborate diarama.

But something changed, maybe it was September 11th, maybe it was the recent news of US Airways plane crashing into the Hudson, I don't know, but now I get anxious days before I'm even near the airport. When the fasten seat belt sign comes on I begin sweating. I have to close my eyes once we prepare to take off.

Then, there's turbulance. What a fun little surprise. It's like, man has all this great technology, all these sciences that enable us to create such great machines such as airplanes, that pretty much defy physics--c'mon, a huge fucking piece of metal with wings that can lift off the ground and soar through the air? Turbulance is nature's way of keeping us in check. "Don't get a big head" nature says, as she throws a couple of bumps our way, "because i will fuck you up."

Ah, travel. Who doesn't love it.

with tangerine seas and marmalade skiieeesss

2009-02-18T05:46:49Z

i am finally concentrating on myself and for the first time (in a long time) i feel like i'm doing something right. my mom left me a voicemail the other day and jokingly said something about 'being at college for the right reasons blah blah blah' and i realized that she was 100% right. the time i'm spending here, these moments--i'm not getting these back. everyday what i do matters and for me to be in this fog worried about immature and unrealistic goals is just pointless and flat out stupid.

i'm here to learn, to grow, to become who i'm going to be for the next 40-50 years. i can't sit here and worry about things i can't control and quite honestly could never control.

this year i made a new years resolution to better myself and be open to new experiences.
so far, so good.

how am i supposed to keep pretending i never want to see you again?

2009-02-01T03:14:01Z

i wrote him a letter yesterday. i didn't really have any reason to write, except that i was bored and i just felt like doing something. and while i was writing i was thinking about what i was going to say at the end of the letter, because i personally feel thats when you drop the bomb on someone. so i'm thinking, maybe i'll tell him i miss him, or sometimes i still smile when i think about jokes he made months ago, or how whenever i'm alone in my room i close my eyes and wish he'd knock on my door. when i got to the bottom of the letter though, all those ideas kind of just washed over me as i thought to myself--what's the point?

why would/should i tell him that stuff? what do i think is going to happen if i tell him that, and in a letter no less. if anything, if im lucky, he might actually open it, and if he does, he doesn't want me to go on and on about all this mushy gushy stuff. no, if anything he just wants to read a nice piece of mail, maybe find out how i'm doing, see if anything interesting has happened so far, but that's it.

and as i was sealing up the letter i realized that this must be what growing up feels like. it feeling of holding back your [childish] impulses, realizing that maybe the best thing to do is just to let go, let go and move on and if something important should happen, if somewhere somehow he thinks that he feels the same way i do than he'll let me know, and we can move on from there. by laying down all this heavy stuff at the bottom of the flower stationery i got at k-mart i'd just be pushing him away, making my feelings too awkward. no, this time i'm holding back, i'm not going to willingly throw my heart out there for him to slap back in my face.

monday i'll mail it and honestly, i'm kind of excited. excited that no matter what happens, i've got myself covered for once.

love is the answer for most of the questions in my heart

2009-01-21T05:45:33Z

i dont want to be by myself anymore. i thought that eventually something would happen, i figured i'd make enough changes in my life that somehow that would change my circumstances but it hasn't. and i'm left sitting here at night over analyzing what/when i screwed up. i think about how i look (physically) and what i say and how i say it and if for some reason im not coming off as someone whose looking for a relationship, or to put it better is open for a relationship.

i thought that i could do this whole long distance fling thing i have, but its hard. it hurts to know that im not the only person he sees and i hate that his friends dont know what we are, and im tired of not knowing whats happening and whose feelings are sincere. im not a fling person, i need to stop forcing myself into this. i'm a relationship person, period. i need familiarity. i need consistence. i need trust.

most importantly, i need to be good enough for someone.

just felt like it needed to be said

2008-11-28T04:54:25Z

Today, I am thankful for all the people in my life (good and bad) because without them, and without my experiences through them, I would not be the person that I am today.

so thank you.

let me forget about today until tomorrow

2008-11-27T03:25:45Z

I'm slowly regretting coming to NY for Thanksgiving (which will not be shortened to TG). I think that Kent and Barbs little production of 'happy little couple' is a good majority of it, but that when I'm not home (for any break) I always think I'm missing something that chances are, I'm probably not.

I love coming to the city, I do, but it's just so boorriinnggg here. It's not fun to walk up and down the blocks here by yourself, listening to your ipid and shuffling through the crowds. And nobody's wiling to come here, which I can't understand, so that doesn't help.

Getting back to my first point: Kent. That 9 finger geek has totally taken over Barbs conscious life. "Did I tell you what Kent did?" "Oh, well Kent said" "I'll be heading up to Kent's.." i do not care. The man literally takes twenty minutes to finish a god damn sentence. My eyes actually fluttered while he was talking last night. Thought my head was going to slam down on the table from conversational exhaustion. I can image the police officers standing over my dead body:

"well roger, we still gotta wait for the autopsy, but if you were to ask me, looks like she died from conversatin'."

It's like I don't exist when he's around. I get cut out of conversations, my voiced opinions aren't good enough unless they're later repeated by Kent (word for word I might add). It just pisses me off because I didn't come on this break to see him, I came to see her and she didn't even have the nerve to tell me that he'd be staying with us the entire break. Sweet, awesome, thanks mom.

If they get married I swear to god I'm going to cry. And they will not be tears of joy.

the dice was loaded from the start

2008-10-12T04:03:35Z

Well that fall break didn't last too long. It's like, as soon as I got comfortable, time decided to swoop in and clutch away the hours. Thanks, really, thanks a lot.

Being in NY was great; visiting Barbs (per usual) was never dull, but a tiny part of me couldn't help wishing that I'd gone to Mass. Most of my friends (well, to be more specific, the friends that I actually want to see) went back home this weekend, and this would have been a good chance to see them. Plus, I miss J--I think that I might come home in November for a random visit; Thanksgiving's in NY. We'll see rabbit, we'll see.

I feel like I'm full of feelings. Say that 10 times fast. Belghh. That's how I really feel. It's like my heart and my brain have taken part in the most intense game of chess ever, and they're both using everything they have to invade the other. So many thoughts all day long, it's frustrating. I don't want to be that person--the one that sits around and moans and groans about how hard her life is. Nobody likes that person. That person is annoying and pathedic. I never want to be that person, but the more and more I allow this stupid metaphorical chess game to go on the more I start to feel alienated from everyone else.

I think someone once said that the worst feeling is being surrounded by people and feeling like you're the only one in the room.
kudos to that.

supposedly a healthy excercise via internet help sites

2008-07-30T04:43:48Z

so apparently its not healthy to bottle up all your emotions says like every expert ever so i decided that i'd use the internet for something more than bumper sticker requests and free episodes of the Office.

below is a list of things that I currently can't stand/boarderline hate. for the readers benefit, things I hate have been bolded:

1. when my parents come into my room every night and turn on my a/c. please don't do that. by the time that i get home its very chilly in here and i dont appreciate catching phenumonea in July.

2. when someone responds to a text message immediately but then either a.) doesn't answer their phone when i call them or b.) doesn't respond to the following text message.
--side note: i understand that there are some special cases where someone wasn't able, at the time, to use their phone. i can still hate it.

3. when someone answers a question and seconds later another person repeats their answer in question form. For example:
"how was the movie?"
"it was terrible."
"it was terrible?"

they just said it was terrible. don't ask that, that question serves no purpose. stop it.

4. that i have obvious issues when it comes to picking the guys i date. i am terrible at it; you could even say horrendous.
i think i should sign up for a match maker or something like on that bravo tv show that im pretty sure got cancelled.

and finally (to save this from getting too lengthly)

5. that i am constantly selling myself short. enough is enough.
i think that im not good enough for the guys i like--i need to realize that i have a lot to offer someone whose worth it (i hope, otherwise this is going to look really really pathedic later on when im still single)

i actually feel a little better, not that this changed a single thing, but the first step is always confronting the things that are bothering you, so if anything i've made at least some kind of progress.maybe.

sir, why you takin' off that sticker..sir?

2008-07-10T17:51:16Z

I just saw the best thing at CVS. These two black people, one dude that was a customer, the other lady was someone who worked there got into a big fight about shop lifting. The conversation went something like this:

BBL (big black lady): Sir, why you takin off that sticker

SBG (stupid black guy): i aint takin off no sticker

BBL: sir, sir, why you takin off that sticker, sir you payin for that

SBG: i aint takin no sticker, im'a pay for it up front

BBL: sir, you tryin to steal that? why'd you take the sticker off? you stealin?

SBG: i aint stealin' nuthin', how you know, how you know?

BBL: because i know you and i see you takin the sticker off to steal it

SBG: here *gives her the makeup* take it, take it

BBL: yeah thats right, you tryin' to steal this, thats right, thats right.

best moment ever.

starbright182 @ 2008-07-01T20:00:00

2008-07-02T00:14:43Z

i finally ended up saying something. this entire time i was afraid to mention it since i think bringing in your personal life to your business life is a big no-no, but i just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone, and so i told Sheri (my boss). even though she promised that what was said behind closed doors stayed behind closed doors (because i mean, a promise sworn over pinkies is really going to keep her to her word) it didn't matter--it just felt so good to finally get it off my chest. its just so sickening to watch him walk around that office like he's some kind of God with everyone shaking his hands or giving him a pat on the back. Doesn't anyone see what I have to deal with? Yeah sure he's a big hit at the bar. Buy you a round of drinks, maybe even two, no problem. But, see the key point to that is when they've sucked down the last patch of foam from their $6 Miller Lites, they get to leave. I, on the other hand, have the pleasure of leading out the only living belligerent six-year-old-trapped-in-a-49-year-olds-body out to South Station and then to Heathers car. And for added fun, sometimes he drives home! It's a pretty exciting ride in the backseat, gripping the car handle, closing your eyes, not making eye contact with him because you don't want to set him off (but then again, anything can set him off). And it all adds up to the big finale when you try to keep out of his way and stay quiet he asks you "whats your fucking problem?" or if you try to confront him about it he asks "why dont you shut your fucking mouth?" A real mind-twister there. Which way should i venture tonight? The path of least resistance, which will undoubtedly end in a fight, or the path of righteousness, which will also end in a fight. Ah the many many choices.

the point of this rank though, is not to get sympathy from others--i despise that more than children (and if you knew me, then you'd know thats a whole hell of a lot of hatred) but more of a way for me to vent out my feelings on the matter, and to put down [some what] permanently my feelings on my living situation, this way, when things get good again, (always the calmest before the storm) i can remind myself that it's not worth staying here. i end work on july 24th and you better believe i've started marking my calendar.

the next morning

2008-06-27T20:38:36Z

It wasn't that he was a bad person, but that he had just made some wrong decisions. Isn't that what everyone says though? The mother who testifies at her son's trial, pleading with the jury to see him for who he truly is--someone not lost, just misplaced. A person who took the wrong path in life, not by choice, but by misdirection of others. It seems as if everyone has an excuse for the mistakes they end up making, whether it's the drugs, or the family, or the world in which we live, everyone throws blame away from themselves. So what was hers?

Sure she did drugs, but not excessively, smoke a little pot now and again, her family wasn't perfect but her mother was all the support she needed, and the world, well, that seemed a little ridiculous to try and blame her surroundings for placing her inbetween his sheets. Her own legs walked to his door, her own hands unhooked her bra, and it was her own lips that found their way to his mouth. No, she knew exactly what her excuse was--the sense of belonging. When she was with him she felt sensations she had never experienced before; being wanted was something new and she craved it like a junkie with his next hit. She knew she should get up and leave, find someone that would treat her with a little dignity and make her feel like she was worth something more than tits and ass, but for now, she'd hang up her self worth like she did her coat when she came into his room, and she'd lay on her back and pretend that his touch was meaningful. She wondered how long she'd be able to keep this up before she finally lost all respect for herself, but when no answer came to mind, she knew that things were about to get much much worse.

"no strings attached"..no, not the NSYNC song

2008-06-04T03:05:08Z

f.w.b.
friends.with.benefits-- the idea that two friends can, whenever they feel inclined, have a physical relationship without having to deal with any emotional connections.

the first time someone mentioned this to me I thought that the idea was foolproof. Hooking up with someone you're friends with and ignoring all the emotional junk thats synonymous with relationships...how could this not work? So I tried it with a few guys, and for the most part, it was nice. But as more and more guys realized that mentioning those three little letters could whip a girls pants off faster than mentioning those three little words, I became aware that I wasn't made out for fwb's.

I mean, sure, the idea sounds nice--all the physical stuff you want without any strings attached, but when you really think about it, whose truly benefiting from this "friendship"? The guy, whose never been able to tie down a girl before and now suddenly has girls clawing at his zipper, or the girl who slides in between bed sheet after bed sheet but continues to deny that it's promiscuous because it doesn't *really* mean anything?

The problem lies within the idea that you can cut out the "relations" from relationship and still make it work. We're not animals for god's sake, we're meant to feel all these emotions that we've been granted. We should get angry or frustrated or stressed out. We should cry or laugh or yell or scream. And we should, when in a physical relationship, allow ourselves to feel these emotions without the consequence of loosing a "friend" because we slipped and accidentally let some emotions leak out.

If I'm with a guy and I feel happy, I'm going to smile. If we're fighting, I'm going to yell. I can't willingly pretend that I am void of these emotions just so the guy I'm with doesn't feel pressured to make a commitment. I guess I just have too much respect for my emotions to stifle them like that.

A Day in the City

2008-03-22T19:36:36Z

Apparently today everybody that was near Union Square decided that this was the day that they were all going to protest against the war and Bush.wtf.

i felt like everyone was giving me looks because I wasn't carrying a giant blue sign blaming the govt for the war. STOP THE WAR IN IRAN.BUSH SUCKS.BUSH IS A KILLER.SUPPORT THE TROOPS, END THE WAR.blah blah blah blah.

oh, also this girl sitting next to me on this bench told me that it was the 3rd Annual Pillow Fight..thingy. I forget exactly how she put it, but apparently a bunch of people just show up in Union Square around the same time and then wait for like this count down or something and then they just have a giant pillow fight.

I feel like people went to Union Square to protest, and then they were like, this is pointless, and so they decided a pillow fight was a much better idea.

i don't think thats actually how it got established, but doesn't it sound nice?

this is my token new year post

2008-01-10T04:40:34Z

Okay, so Happy New Year everyone, yeah, whoo whoo 08 so great yeah whoo.

now that we've taken care of that, let's get down to business.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS (because if you're as screwed up as me, you need a couple)

-will drink/smoke less (phfttttttt.)
-will eat/be healthier
-will think more positive thoughts
-will find either a job or some way to make extra cash (street corner, here i come)
-will find a creative outlet for my thoughts, a.k.a. i need to write more
-will not think about finding a boyfriend, but secretly obsess over it until it actually happens, or until i watch the notebook so much my tear ducts dry up and i have no choice but to just end it.

okay, so the last one i may or may not carry out. we'll see how the rest of the year goes.
you would think that all those guys that look at my chest instead of my face would like maybe produce 1 good guy, but noooooo
thats never the case.
never.never.never.

oh! you know who could stare at my chest all day long and i wouldnt give a flying fuck? uhm. JOHNNY DEPP.
holy christ that man is beyond beautiful.

girls in white dressed with blue satin sashes..silver white winters that melt into spring..

2007-12-09T04:52:01Z

blazzing saddles is on television in the background and an almost empty diet coke is sitting in front of me.
if this isnt what college life is all about then someone needs to inform me what is.

theres so many people transfering, im kind of upset.
i mean, i thought that i was going to be able to make friendships with these people, but i guess not.
idk, i just thought that people understood what it was going to be like here.
im pretty sure if i told barb that i didnt like it her because i wasnt "happy" she'd be like "i'll fucking give you a reason to not be happy"

motherly support right there ladies and gents.

im so lucky, i really am.
i love where i am, im doing really well, im making a lot of friends
when im not studying, im actually going out to parties and having an awesome time
living in a dorm is like an eternal sleep over, and the girls on my floor (besides a few) are just amazing.

i think this years christmas will be a good one.

Treats for Troops

2007-11-18T21:07:46Z

While I was driving back to the school parking lot, I overheard on the radio this DJ talking about "Treats for Troops" and I instantly knew that as soon as I got back to the dorm that's what I was doing.

When you go online you get to pick your solider based on what branch he's serving it, male or female, what state, and what he's fighting for.

I got Edward from Massachusetts (c'mon, you had to see that one coming)
He's in the Army and now he's fighting for the "war on terror"

He said in his checklist thing that he liked calling cards, so I bought him (2) 120 minute cards, I figured he'd probably like that.
I hope that he can even make calls where he is. That would be kind of depressing.

They have this like, check-list of sayings you can pick and the computer will put it together so it looks like a letter.
I understand why they do that, so people don't go on there and just like blast their opinions on the soliders, but I kind of wanted to write him a letter myself. Oh well, I picked some good sayings, so hopefully he likes it, and his gift.

I think that no matter what your opinion is on Bush, or Iraq, or even soldiers, that everyone should just go on the website and spend a little money on someone else. (The calling card was like 9 bucks, you can definitely spare that)
here's the website: www.treatsfortroops.com

I could never be as brave as Edward is, or any solider for that matter, and even though I wish that they could come home, I still respect the hell of out them and I don't even think I could put into words how grateful I am that they're fighting for my freedom.

I don't usually pray, but I'm going to for Edward. Good luck man.

im giving thanks that i actually want to have thanksgiving.

2007-11-06T22:07:22Z

My home is not a place, it is people
--Loise McMaster Buyold

I seriously can not fucking wait to go home for Thanksgiving. Yeah, I know--me? thanksgiving? hanging around family all day? no, i didn't smoke crack before I wrote this--I actually want to spend time with my family.

Being away from them like this--4 states away (about 8 hrs)--makes me appreciate them waaaayyyy more than I ever did, especially since this will be my first Thanksgiving with my dad since our "falling out".

People here go home a lot during the weekends. I wonder if they go home and quilt/churn butter. They could do that here if they really wanted to, I'd even pitch in and help. It just gets so lonley here sometimes on the weekends.

i think i'm just jealous that they get to go home and I can't.

I like the prefer its the churning butter thing though, because that makes me feel less like a jealous loser.

much love lj.
(p.s. sorry i haven't been posting in this more frequently)

sincerly,
your busy college student

starbright182 @ 2007-09-08T00:32:00

2007-09-08T04:39:23Z

im so surprised that college is going as well as it is. I imagined something completely different than what I got when I arrived on campus. I'm not sure if it was nerves or excitement, or maybe a little bit of both, but when I got here I was really surprised. Almost everyone here is friendly and easy to talk to (i say almost because you still have those assholes who somehow managed to sneak their way in).

who knew the amish could be so friendly?

i keep reminding myself to slow down and not worry about small things, like relationships for instance. I figure when the timings right then something, or more specifically, someone will fall into place. until then I guess I can just take my time and just try to have a good time and be a "free agent".

The thing is, I don't really know if I want the whole title of boyfriend/girlfriend just yet. The whole Matt thing turned me completely off of even thinking about having another relationship anytime soon--but then my little end of summer fling and seeing couples here on campus makes me reconsider (slightly)

we'll just see how it goes, and until then I guess I can be indifferent and put up with it.

starbright182 @ 2007-08-30T23:56:00

2007-08-31T04:01:25Z

im at this part in my life where everythings going really well..and im just waiting for something to happen that'll end up screwing it all up, like I get some kind of rare elbow cancer..or like, a squirrel comes out of nowhere and just attacks my juglar.

ya know, something that would normally happen to someone like me.

college is going amazingly well--every day im meeting someone new and making new friends and new experiences (god i sound like a PBS after school special). I just can't help it though, everyone here is so nice, and so willing to just sit down and talk with you. It's infectious.

I can't wait to head back to NYC or Boston and get the culture shock of people who just don't care. Hopefully college won't soften me up too much ( i mean that in both senses--no freshman 15 here).

Hairspray this weekend with my mom and getting a new phone, because apparently my cell phone likes to play games with me.
Oh..you wanted to see the screen? Oh..well that sucks because watch this! BITCH.

yep.

its time for the time post.

2007-08-20T04:33:25Z

Time forces us to look back. Whether or not we want to, we do. We look back and see the decisions that we made and where they took us. We look back and wonder what could have happened and how it could have changed us. Sometimes we even look back in regret. Maybe we backed away from a challenge because of the fear of failure. Maybe we didn't say goodbye because we were too proud. Or maybe we just didn't get the chance we wanted. Whatever the case may be, we look back and watch as those choices carried us to where we are today. We even try to bury memories of bad choices in hopes that they'll stay locked in our subconscious.

It's this reason that so many people have become an enemy of time; trying to blame it's lack of existance on the bad choices made, or where they have ended up. 'If i had more time, I wouldn't have done it..would have tried it..would have said i love you..if only i had another day..week..month'. If only, if only. The problem is, these people are too busy looking back on their mistakes and not looking ahead to their opportunities.

Time isn't like the school yard child with the magnifying glass, but the blank diary waiting optimistically for it's pages to be filled. The lack of time is a guide we must use to grow and mature into adults. That we can't take things for granted; friends, family, places, and that every minute matters. That if there is a challenge out there we musn't run from it, but over come it. That if there is a time to say goodbye, we do it with all our heart. And that if the chance we want doesn't come up, we find any way possible to make it.

Time is what we make from it. It can be the villian or hero of our story. It awaits you to write the adventure.